My family sold our house, gave away our possessions, and moved to another country to serve trafficked women and girls. The painful reality is that, in spite of our commitment and sacrifice, I only got to pray with one prostitute.
A year before our big leap, my husband and I took an exploratory trip to an area where the sex trade was booming. We already spoke the language and had ministered in the culture, but we wanted to educate ourselves about this area of need. During that trip, I went out several times with a friend with experience ministering to trafficked women and girls. But we only prayed with one prostitute.
Still, we felt in our bones that this was the work God wanted us to do. After extensive research and prayer, we sold our house, gave away most of our possessions, and moved our family of seven overseas. Our hearts were so filled with the certainty of how worth it He was.
And after all that?
We were forced to leave the country because my husband’s employer hadn’t followed the correct procedure for hiring a foreigner. We never got to pray with a single girl.
We didn’t have the comfort of knowing our sacrifice saved lives or brought healing. And we were a homeless, unemployed family of seven in a foreign country.
After spending most of our savings, we were forced out of yet another country because of our faith. We ended up back in the US, living in a vacant farm house, wearing clothes friends had collected for us.
Naturally I thought, “I get it. You want me to channel that passion for serving trafficking victims into my work.” (God had already challenged us to give 50% of our income to rescue slaves) I thought, “We can live simply and still fight trafficking”.
Apparently, I didn’t get it. Because I wasn’t making enough to buy groceries, let alone free slaves. I found myself saying to God,
“Um, excuse me? If you have no interest in using me, can I have my life back?”
Let me confess something to you. I don’t believe it was wrong to give so much, or go so far, or try so hard. But I was wrong about one very important thing: I had this idea that God “uses” people. How could I have so misunderstood the heart of God?
Is the Source of every love we’ll ever know really a lover who “uses” His beloved to get what He wants? I had the wrong idea about Him…about us.
It was never about sitting on the bench, desperately hoping the Coach would put me in the game. It wasn’t about being a cog in a noble machine, ground down under the weight of a good cause.
Being brought unspeakably low in every measurable way was about assuming my full stature.
Let’s be honest, we want answers. But this Kingdom we’re caught up in is a mysterious reality:
The reluctant are thrust into service.
The willing appear to be discarded.
The unqualified are exalted.
The diligent are dismissed.
We want to reassure each other with “Here’s why it happened.” or “Here’s how God used it.” We reserve the right to say “It was all worth it.” or “That was a tragic, misguided waste of a life.”
But there’s only One who’s earned that right.
Maybe He was protecting me from the temptation to make human beings into trophies. Or weaning me off the security of running the numbers, and coming out ahead (whether we’re measuring lives or other currency).
What if, in this inside-out economy I’ve only caught glimpses of, my investments are looking good?
And if not, what then? What if the One I did all that for wasn’t a person, but the only One who is worthy?
What explanation can I offer my kids after everything they’ve been through?
What can I tell you?
I don’t know if my dreams of serving overseas, or serving in any capacity, will ever be realized. But I know He breathed on me, and smiled at me. I’ve never seen that smile, but I’ve felt it…and it’s all I ever want to feel. This is the one thing I have authority to say:
After all of it, my heart is more certain that He is worth it.