Last week, I shared a simple shift that’s made a huge difference in our family.  The response was unbelieveable!  If you missed that post, you can read it here.  This week I’ll show you how to use this same idea to teach your kids about forgiveness, in a way that makes sense to them (and does what forgiveness is supposed to do).

The problem: From a very early age, most of us learned to say “I’m sorry” when we hurt someone, and “I forgive you” when they hurt us.  The problem is, “sorry” can mean:

• I’m ashamed of my actions
• It’s inconvenient for me that I got caught, or
• I’m genuinely repentant

But either way, it doesn’t

• heal the injured party
• restore the offender
• encourage genuine forgiveness

Why it doesn’t work: Even very young children sense that when someone hurts them, they suffer a loss.  They resist forgiveness until the person makes it right.  You can insist that they say “I forgive you”, but they still feel wronged.  They learn early that holding a grudge gives them power over the person who hurt them.

So the guilty party continues to carry  guilt. They know saying ” sorry” didn’t change anything, but they feel powerless to fix it.  And they can sense when a loved one says “I forgive you”, but stays mad.

With no restoration, the stage is set for more conflict.  Everyone is left feeling exhausted, unsafe, even unloved.

What to do instead:  You can apply the biblical approach to forgiveness in your family.  The bible teaches that when I hurt someone, I owe them a debt.  So instead of saying “I’m sorry” I ask, “What do I owe you?” And I make restitution by giving them something of value to both of us.  Then, instead of saying “I forgive you”, they say, “You don’t owe me anything”.

Why it works: By addressing the debt head on, the focus on restitution

• shows the injured party that they matter, and that justice matters
• offers the guilty party the opportunity to take responsibility, and be fully restored immediately after making restitution
• heals the relationship, and prevents further conflict
• teaches everyone that forgiveness isn’t about feelings,  but about a debt being repaid

Everyone experiences forgiveness, not as an abstract idea, but as a tangible reality.  This process lays a foundation for great conversations about how God has forgiven us, because his son paid our debt.

Forgiveness isn’t a feeling.  Forgiveness is your debt- paid.

 Now it’s your turn:  Which is harder for you, asking for forgiveness, or extending it? Which is harder to teach your kids?